Mountain Sunrise Doorknob

As my departure to China creeps closer and closer, I'm getting a little less confident and a little more- well, petrified.. Of course, there are a lot of things to be afraid of.  The way people talk, Communism must be the bedside reading material of Satan himself.. I suppose it's not really the Marxism, but the implications- no free speech, no internet, a decrease in the emphasis on personal liberty and the value of human life blah blah. Trust me, people, I have been sufficiently warned. But even the totalitarianism doesn't scare me too much. It's just a giant nuisance, a metaphorical thorn in my freedom loving side. Nor am I scared of traveling by plane, large cities, or being tricked repeatedly by crafty Asian merchants. As naive as I may be, I feel pretty prepared in all those aspects. No, the thing that has me running scared isn't dangerous at all. It's the Chinese language. Every time I see Chinese characters- on my work visa, in my address- even on a pack of takeout chopsticks- my palms start sweating. Since my subtle arrogance knows no bounds, I consider myself something of a linguist. I picked up Spanish pretty quickly (retention is another matter entirely) and I enjoy learning about the subtle nuances of foreign language. I feel like if I traveled to Europe, I would know that a pastecceria would be a place to get bread and little desserts and that I could probably use a telefono to call people. But Chinese? Really? All I think of when I see those characters is those little stick figures hanging from the trees on The Blair Witch Project. They literally mean nothing to me. I could see a sign on a building and not know whether it meant "This is where you buy fish!" or "This is where a person comes to be disemboweled and thrown to the hounds." This lack of knowledge could cause some problems.. I do plan on speaking some Easy Chinese- the Easy version of any foreign language being shouting what one wants in English at the top of one's lungs- until I learn a few useful words. Some apropos examples for me include "PLEASE REMOVE THE BEAK AND FEATHERS FROM THAT CHICKEN BEFORE YOU SERVE IT TO ME." Or "IF YOU THINK I AM PAYING OVER $3 FOR THAT JADE LION, FEEL FREE TO THINK AGAIN." I'm sure my behavior won't do much to help eradicate the stereotype of Americans as pushy, obnoxious people who refuse to adapt to or respect the cultures of others, even when they are guests in that nation. But I never said I was out to change the world. I think I can get a handle on the speaking, the various chings and chongs will hopefully roll right off my Anglo-Saxon tongue. But I don't think I'll ever grasp those pesky characters. I did get a useful suggestion from a friend, however. She told me instead of attempting to learn a 5,000 character lexicon, why not just see what the characters look like and say that instead? It is, after all, a language of pictures. I started with my work visa. Let's see... "houseboat, lantern, toaster oven, stool." My friend then pointed out that if I said these words in rapid succession with a Ms. Swan kind of voice, it sounded something like Chinese. So, until Wednesday, a good Treesubwoofersmallchildeatinganapplewindowpane to you all.